"This is Flight 372 on SWA..."

Part 2 of the saga of the rapping flight attendant.  Yes, there's more than one part, but I think this is his first genuine attempt at a music video.





Hmmm...evidently, whenever I try to embed the video, it gets cut off by those annoying things on the side of the page that are supposed to be making me money.  I guess I'll have to put up a new post pretty soon so those aren't in the way.

Did he say how much drinks are?  Can you run that by me again?

Jimmy Carter AIN'T DEAD YET, #*%$#@!!

Did anybody else know that Jimmy Carter is still alive?  It looks like I owe my friends twenty bucks, because between all that work for Habitats for Humanity and the fact that he's, y'know, 85 years old, I figured he was already dead.  Well, imagine my surprise when I saw him on Jon Stewart the other night, alive and denying that he was ever involved in witchcraft.

In his Daily Show appearance, Carter mentions that his position back in the day was very similar to the position of the Tea Party today.  More specifically, the words he wrote in his journal channeled the same basic feeling which drives the Tea Party today.  I find that hard to believe for two reasons, one of which is simply that the Tea Party is...what's the word I'm looking for?  "Batshit insane"?

I'm going to up and confess that I'm not a very political man.  However, I do have some understanding of the inner workings of our political leaders.  For instance, our former President Clinton was the womanizing yet somewhat competent one, and then came the crook, George W. himself.  Or as I like to call him, "batshit insane."  Or possibly "living proof that appointment to any public office should come with an I.Q. test.  And a lie detector test.  And the understanding that the Secret Service will make you 'disappear' if you screw up badly enough."

Then, on the heels of the crook's presidency came the celebrity, the overhyped Obama, whose fire from that 2008 campaign so long ago has pretty much fizzled out by now, and who will spend the rest of his life building homes for the homeless to redeem himself from the aftertaste of the recession and this whole health care thing I can't even begin to give you the specifics of.

Honestly, I would say that Carter has more in common with Obama than anything.  In case the whole "crook" parallel I've drawn between Tricky Dick and George W. (who may or may not have been a puppet of the other Dick) and my subtle comment about Obama's future career prospects aren't enough of a clue, consider the respective campaigns of Obama and Carter.  One was a relative unknown on the political scene, having just entered his first campaign for president on the basis of his personality more than any significant political achievement, and pulled out a surprise victory against more established opponents thanks to a highly grassroots effort.

The other did largely the same thing, with possibly even less experience in the political arena, and went on to become our first black President.

Now you're probably thinking, "But-but-but, Carter is so...white!"  Well, I said Carter and Obama were campaigning on personality, not the same personality.  Of course, there are similarities between their respective situations.   Both were able to channel the general disgust the public had with the political status quo, and both candidates, as Wikipedia says on Jimmy's behalf, had "the acceptance and support of elite sectors of the mass communications media."

Their respective personalities and support bases, though, are where the similarities end.  Obama was where our former, dumb Texan, Bible-thumpin', war-mongering ex-President Bush ended and where the young people's campaign began.  The fact that he was our first black President is admittedly significant.  However, no one can understate how much sway he held over the youngest, first-time, MTV-generation voters, with his rock music and his rap music and his iPods and his mad B-ball skills and his utter disgust with the political institutions (and Kanye West) and his ability to articulate a complete freaking sentence without that Southern drawl that can be found in many a George Dubya impersonator.

Carter's campaign, on the other hand, was when America returned to what I just lovingly called a "Bible-thumpin' " president.  Despite many districts already essentially being in the pockets of his opponents, Carter was able to build up a support base consisting of voters in the once Wallace-dominated South and conservative Christians and rural residents in the Northern states.  His public persona was one and the same as the conservative Christians giving their votes (and prayers) to him; in a CBN interview, he stated his belief in both divine and "legal" law, while asserting that "we should honor God's law" first and foremost.  In fact, the father of the late Reverend King himself proclaimed that God had "sent Jimmy Carter to come on out and bring America back where she belongs."  (Ironically, while such hero worship is not new to Obama, there was a time when his opponents implied he was the anti-Christ.  Seriously.)

The rest, of course, is a history of Habitats for Humanity and a...oh, what was it?...nine percent jobless rate, respectively.  As you read that last sentence, you might have noticed that one of those things is not like the other.  Granted, Carter has had three decades to work for the benefit of mankind, while our latest President has eight years worth of Bush to fix...

As always, there is a lesson to learn from this.  Perhaps it's that history is doomed to repeat itself, barring all other variables.  Or that the charisma of even the most charming and eloquent candidate will pull a Peter Pan and fly the coop as soon as they realize how tough the job actually is.  Or that we should judge a man not by the color of his skin, or even by the content of his character, but by whether or not he's qualified to run the most powerful nation on earth.

Or perhaps it's that we don't need a hero, or a messiah, or a celebrity, or someone we could imagine hanging out and grabbing a drink with.  What we need is a president.

Imagine that.

Note:  The opinions of The Brewsky are in no way those of Fox News or its affiliates.  Although, to be honest, we had no clue Obama was supposed to be the anti-Christ.  And no clue that Jimmy Carter was involved in witchcraft.  Luckily, we did our own research beforehand and realized Jimmy Carter was still alive.  The Brewsky is clearly a master of wit, rhetoric, and seduction, but he is such a sucker for bets.

A tribute to Quahog's finest traffic copter...

Truly he will be missed.



You'll notice this video is mirrored.  That's what happens when you let Drunk Billy edit your recordings.

Cannon Fodder

Before I get to the meat of this next post, I'd like to know why none of my "follow" buttons are working.  So far, I've been able to add "Hyperbole and a Half" to the list of blogs I'm following, which is good if I want to be known exclusively as a fan of absurdist humor and deranged artwork (not that there's anything wrong with that).  But whenever I try to follow any of the other blogs I check out, the "Follow" button mysteriously doesn't work.  If you have any idea what could be wrong, leave a comment or email me, or whatever it takes to get in touch and fix what ails me.

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The tentative title for this blog (and the video embedded below) is "In Which the Rambo In All of Us Dies...") 






"...And Is Replaced By a Suddenly Born-Again Christian Who Realizes The Enemy Could End His Life Suddenly And Painfully.  Or Capture Him and Torture Him Slowly And Painfully."  I stress the "born-again Christian" part because any atheists in those foxholes are going to start crying out to whichever gods they think will save them.

For those of you who happen to have slow Internet connections, I'll give you a quick synopsis of the video:  Big boom.  Praying ensues.  Big boom.  Crying ensues.  Another big boom.  Praying and crying ensues.


Too short?  Okay.


The video is a two-minute excerpt filmed in the middle of combat against an enemy bombarding the Marines' position, which is indoors and could be as small as a house or as big as a military installation.  Our noble camera guy is at ground-level, lying down with the soldiers the entire time, so all we see is daylight coming from the door and one or two of his buddies lying stomach-first on the floor.  

It begins with one of the personnel, possibly higher-ranking and definitely more collected than his comrades, taking a moment to assess the situation.  At least two of them are already starting to break, with one of them praying for the enemy bombardments to miss, or for the enemy to simply give up (as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures).  By the minute mark, the other Marine is going hysterical as the bomardments strike closer and closer to their position.  By a minute-thirty, Marine #2 has lost any semblance of composure.  How this particular skirmish ends is anyone's guess, but the video ends with their in-uniform reverend begging, "Please Lord, help us be okay..."


At the least, this is a nice reminder of the kind of hell war really is.  Really, the fact that this is what you might consider an urban skirmish (depending on where this is located) is a nice reminder that terrorists are willing to bring the war to us...or at least, bring the war to those who are willing to die for our freedoms.


"This is what will happen if you don't finish your highschool kids. You'll be sent as cannon fodder to die for the big corps."

The poster of the video is one Jubathe2nd, whose heart seems to be in the right place, but you almost get the sense that he's poking fun at the Marines who are literally pissing themselves at the prospect of getting blown up and buried in a pile of what was probably once their hideout.  For those of us who aren't sociopaths, that's really not cool.

He seems to be hinting at the possibility of an all-out military draft, as if to ask, "Would this be your kid in a combat zone?"  As one of the commenters mentions, though, you have to graduate from high school before you can even serve in the military, at which point Juba Jr.'s analogy falls apart.  I imagine the military could lower their education standards in the case of a draft, but like many of us "dumbed down" Americans, I imagine a full-blown draft as the worst-case scenario, and really don't see it happening in the foreseeable future.


However, what exactly does one's education have to do with one's likelihood to break down and start crying at the prospect of getting blown up, or one's general fear of falling in battle to some terrorist guerrillas with building-busting guns?  Yes, I imagine those with a higher education would have the general intelligence to maintain a military operation and succeed in certain, sticky situations where "stupid" people like the Marines featured above might fail, but when it comes to a situation like the kind they had to face, something as mundane as one's education really ceases to be a factor.


To summarize, yes, I understand that a video of our own Marines crying looks bad.  Yes, we could afford to have soldiers who are more emotionally stable.  And yes, war is a scary, scary thing, and "emotionally stable" goes out the window once you're facing an enemy who has opted to try and blow you the fuck up.


And yes, I think the poster of this video is a sick, sick person.  Especially if he feels how I think he feels about the one Marine who is taking the moment to talk to God.

"People should know that US foreign policy is based on how to best protect and increase American interest around the world. In order for it to do so, they use the patriot/ free/ protect America from terrorists/ maintaining freedom card . It is nothing more than using Euphemisms for waging war."

Oh, good, it looks like I'm done writing tonight. 

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Note:  What you mean the video is from three years ago?  Don't tell The Brewsky how to do his job.  You'll make him mad, and you won't like him when he gets mad...

Somewhere Between the Chemo and the Laundromat

I was talking to an IRL blogger friend of mine the other day, who brought it to my attention that a certain musical genius is supposed to be making a comeback.  Truly a man of influence unparalleled by any of his contemporaries save perhaps the late king of pop, Michael Jackson, or even the original king of rock himself, Elvis Presley, in recent years he has gained a cult following thanks to various YouTube clips.  It was believed that this renaissance man, who is indescribable beyond words, had faded into obscurity following what many might consider a "one-hit wonder," but the decades-long interim has been nothing but kind to him, perhaps an opportunistic means of only sharpening his skill and finesse as a musician.  


As a result of this surprising redemption...nay, one might say, a form of providence...this great man has stumbled upon a second chance.  Through a felicitous, kindly chance of fate, which has shaken the very foundation of the youngest, pop-obsessed generation to its fickle, unsuspecting core, the world will be blessed with new, original compositions, further handiwork of one of the greatest musicians of our time...


Yeah.  For real.


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Since we're on the topic of things my IRL blog buddy has brought up, one thing that comes to mind is his apparently constant need for pop, even in the middle of the night.  Now I can understand this if you absolutely have to pull an all-nighter for work, or with friends, or for an overnight trip or something like that, but much less so when, as Nick DiPaolo once said, you just so happen to "keep the hours of a crack whore."


The way I see it, who the heck needs caffeine in their systems right before going to bed?  Aren't there enough things keeping us up at night?  Like work, family, women, death, taxes, women, possible computer viruses, the state of the economy, women, Sylvester Stallone's career, the fate of our nation, our interactions with Third World countries, women, that mole on your neck that may or may not be a lump, whether or not you'll get your laundry done tomorrow or have to wear that Mark McGuire shirt again even though it reeks of sweat and the steak from the other night, women, the vending machine that ate your change this morning, the "Check Engine" light in your car, the fact that our nation's youth are getting dumber and dumber every year, and possibly, just maybe, women?


I may have lost my point somewhere between chemo and the laundromat, but what I'm trying to say is that you should try to limit your sugar and caffeine intake to the morning hours, when you (hopefully) first wake up, and a little bit in the afternoon to keep you going.  Since I only play a doctor on TV, I can't give you a recommended dose, but one or two cups at a time, spaced out around the day, are usually enough for me.


Beyond my own recommendations as that one guy from "Scrubs," Wikipedia says that if you take too much caffeine, you could potentially build up a tolerance to its stimulant and "sleep disruptor" effects.  If that's the case, you'll end up crashing eventually once the caffeine is out of your system, and you'll be feeling the effects of this for the better part of a week.


Of course, in severe cases, you should seek a medical professional immediately.  Failing that, you'll want to seek the medical advice of the crack whores on 5th and Main.


Note:  The Brewsky is not licensed as a medical professional, and his advice should not be taken seriously.  If you are suffering from the effects of caffeine overdose, you should seek medical help immediately.  And if you go anywhere near 5th and Main...well, we medical professionals have broken traffic laws before to save our patients.  Even if our route takes us by that wretched hive of scum and villainy known as 5th and Main.


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Before I go, I'll leave you with this piece of epic, unprecedented musical genius:




Hey, what does Rick think he's doing, letting his video push out like that?  Who does he think he is?  Man, this must be what it feels like to get Rick Roll'd.

Springfield, Springfield...

I remember my first All Syrup Super Squishy.  I still can't remember what chocolate tastes like, or for that matter, anything before third grade.  Good times, though.  Good times.

Fire Bad (Very, Very Bad...)

In this country, in this day and age, I can't believe it needs to be said that burning books is a bad idea.  Doubly so for anyone who gets the bright idea to burn a book that is considered holy by thousan...nay, millions of people.  Much less people whose more radical elements have demonstrated a willingness to kill thousands of innocent Americans, much less at the cost of their own lives in the infamous kamikaze mission that has changed the face of America in the 21st century.

Enter Terry Jones, a.k.a. Reverend "It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time," the architect behind what I can only describe as the American equivalent of one of Indiana Jones's many obstacles between him and world domination at the hands of the Nazis (best illustrated here).  And yes, it has only taken me two paragraphs to draw a comparison between the United States (or at least some of its...y'know, "radical elements") and Nazi freaking Germany.  No, I don't plan on doing that all of the time.

Thanks to pressure from the public and the White House, Reverend...Seemed-Like-a-Good-Idea has backed down from his planned burning of the Koran, the holy book of Muslim doctrine.  Luckily, "the public and the White House" aren't complete idiots, which of course means there were additional, "isolated incidences in New York and Tennessee where these fires took place."

First of all, that's not how "incidents (sic)" is supposed to be used in a sentence (and obviously going Google News is not the best way to get a fair and grammaticly corect source).  Second, where the heck is New Jersey when this is all going on...

To reiterate, burning the holy book of Muslim doctrine is a really bad idea, much in the same way that burning the Bible would be a really, really bad idea.  Yes, America, we...or at least "New York and Tennessee" and Reverend Seemed-Like-a-Good-Idea down in Florida somewhere...have done the unthinkable and decided to hold a book burning for someone's equivalent of the Bible.  We are burning someone's Bible.

Think about it.  People like Reverend Seemed-Like-a-Good Idea and his cohorts across our amber waves of grain will end up representing us to Muslims, much in the same way that a group of Islamic terrorists who unleashed hell at Ground Zero have ended up representing the whole of the Muslim faith to Americans.  It's a nice reminder that book burning isn't limited to Nazi extremists, and religious bigotry isn't limited to terrorists who are willing to take innocent lives in the name of Allah.

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Note:  The opinions of The Brewsky are in no way those of Fox News or its affiliates.  The Brewsky is not a contributor to this blog, and in fact can be found on several sex offender registries.  We're not too sure how he got in the building without authorization, and we're not too sure how he managed to find an unmanned computer, hack into this site and post the above commentary (including the time he obviously took to edit, proofread, and find the links he needed).  Clearly he is a master of disguise, phenomenally cunning, and charming beyond words.  At least, that's what our secretary tells us.