Had one last holiday party to go to the other night. I think I can safely say I speak for a lot of people this Christmas when I say it's been a busy holiday season. Unfortunately, I didn't do a whole lot of holiday shopping for Mom and Dad; in fact, neither of my dads got anything from me this year. (Though that's to be expected, considering Mom is probably about to break it off with the new dad, and the other dad...well, I have no clue what happened to him.)
My ex was talking about getting together with a buddy of mine. (As well as myself. And some other friends. I think it was supposed to be a group thing.) As far as I know, that never really happened, considering the ice and the snow and the fact that most of us don't really have good cars anymore. (I tried to start mine the other day, took a couple of tries.) Plus I never really heard from them, so I'm guessing they just called it off.
Since Christmas has finally come and gone, though, I've had some time to myself the past couple of days. Which I spent watching Spike TV. They were showing a "Star Wars" marathon, which I normally shy away from, but it was either that, "Miracle on 34th Street," or the umpteenth showing of "Scrooged" on AMC. So I decided to go with Star Wars. And then changed the channel the moment they decided to show another episode of CSI. Because even my standards only go so low.
Of course, the buddy I saw the other night, who is not ashamed to admit he liked "Cop Out," also isn't too shy about watching Star Wars either. Luckily, we were having a Christmas get-together with some other friends, so it wasn't like I had to sit through twelve hours of Star Wars without food or friends. And luckily, they were showing the original trilogy, from that magical time before Lucas and the geeks he has spawned over the years went completely insane and gave us a Darth Vader not played by James Earl Jones.
About a couple hours into our get-together, he had recorded a couple episodes of Spike's "original" series. So, over the next hour or so, we were re-acquainted with "1000 Ways to Die," which is cheap and laden with relentless blood, gore, and fanservice, but is also one of my guilty pleasures.
It turns out he had also recorded an episode of "Manswers," which I had heard about, oddly enough, from a girl I used to go to school with. Oddly enough, I have never gone out with said girl, who I can only assume is out driving monster trucks when she isn't starting bar fights or fixing roofs.
It turns out "Manswers" is even cheaper than "1000 Ways to Die," and more laden with fanservice. And willing to ask the question, "Can you have sex while skydiving?" I don't know who on earth would need to know that, or who on earth actually has sex when skydiving, and disappointingly enough, they never bothered to elaborate on the implications of that airborne anthrax and whether or not it can affect us mere ground-dwellers. (Spoiler: If you're going to do it, you have to make it really quick, and you have to stop by 2,000 feet.)
They were also willing to ask the question, "What is the most viscous substance?" Again, I'm not sure who would need to know that, beyond the half-naked women they had wrestling in mud, then lubricant, then in coal tar (which is apparently toxic upon prolonged exposure, which made me feel all the worse for wanting to start a coal-tar-wrestling tournament/wet T-shirt contest...).
There's some joke I could probably crack about coal in our stockings, but all I could think about for the next hour or so was, "God, that was hot."
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