More Pizza

You've all met my very good friend...well, I guess you haven't, although I have discussed him at length before.  The same one who enjoys video games, caffeine, and fireworks.

Well, it turns out we both enjoy getting out of town every once in a while.  Whether it's for school, business, or just the inevitable social call from some old friends, we just feel like making a road trip every once in a while.  And invariably, our stomachs will start growling, because we're growing boys and we need to eat at some point.

I'm broke and all, but broke in the "I can't afford to pick up chicks or maintain any semblance of a long-term relationship" sense, rather than in terms of "living under the bridge in a van down by the river."  So when push comes to shove, we'll get hungry, and one of us will suggest Pizza Hut.  And the other will concede that Pizza Hut sounds pretty good.  Probably not good for us, but it's been a long day and we both just start thinking of the first thing that sounds good.

Now there are probably alternatives available, even if all we're looking for is some good pizza for dinner.  Domino's, Godfather's, Papa John's (well, that assumes you have a freezer, I think), Papa Murphy's, Papa Smurf's, Papa Charlie's, Papa Roach, Papa Penguin, Papa Don't Preach, Papa Can You Hear Me, Papa Grows Funk, and the illustrious Pa Kent...all of them serve good old American pizza.  (Except DiGiorno's, of course.  I think they're French.)

Inevitably, though, we choose Pizza Hut.  And all joking aside, their breadsticks have a lot to do with that.  I mean, Domino's breadsticks?  Don't even get me started on those flaccid, undersized excuses for a meal.  And does Godfather's even sell breadsticks?

Unfortunately, our trips out to Pizza Hut just go to show the two great banes of American consumerism:  one, it costs money to eat out like that, and second, the pounds just start adding up after a while.  We wonder why there's an economic crisis and an obesity epidemic in this country, when the answer is right in front of us.  It's the blind, unadulterated purchasing and consumption of the grease-fueled Kryptonite of pizza and breadsticks.

How do you say no to that?  Honestly, tell me how you just say no to that.  You don't.  You just don't.  Because there's this dough, cooked to a crispy golden color, with what I can only assume is an edible (and extremely delicious) tomato sauce liberally lathered on (although the Pizza Huts I've been going to have been more stingy with the sauce lately).  And they put this nice, melted mozarella cheese on it... 

What you need to understand is that not all melted cheeses are created equal.  Only the mozarella is anywhere near edible when it's been cooked.  The rest are dead to me.  That cheese you dip your nachos and pretzels into?  No thank you, sir, get that off my coffee table (or at least the old book bag I use as a "coffee table") and get out of my Super Bowl Party.

This cheese is put on top of the pizza, as well as within the crust.  And there is much rejoicing when you can eat such a pizza.  In fact, I believe God made this some time during those first six days, just before he made man.  (Although a friend of mine postulates that man, in fact, made cheese.)

Now, the pepperoni is window dressing as far as I'm concerned, and any other toppings are simply out of the question.  So when my friend suggests pepperoni with stuffed crust, we eat and are merry.  (Not necessarily in that order.)

Now, all of these things would be just fine and dandy, but the icing on the pizza pie is cold and carbonated.  A tall glass of Pepsi, possibly Coke, maybe Mountain Dew, to wash all this hot food down.  You could get water, but what's the point.

Pizza Hut's plan is fool-proof for luring in fools like us.  McDonald's?  Don't get me started.  Arby's?  Please?  Sonic?  Yeah, we'll have a waitress on skates hand us this stuff.  Within five minutes.  Sure, that just sounds great.

There's also a third bane to the existence of these two noble college students, as well as many others like us.  Simply put, this is the damage that ten breadsticks and a large stuffed-crust pizza shared between two or three guys can wreak on their stomachs.  As Homer Simpson once said, "I can eat anything I want, only future-me has to deal with that!  I'd hate to be that guy!"

But karma is cruel, and comes back with stomach pains and a slight feeling of nausea.  Maybe more than that, if you've managed to make it past a whole large pizza without stopping.  You can still taste it some hours later, possibly a day later.  And while it tastes good going down, it definitely doesn't go down without a fight.

And once you've slept it off, you mean to get out of bed, and God forbid, perhaps go out for a walk.  But then someone calls.  Or maybe texts.  Or maybe you have to check on Facebook or something.  In fact, any of those things will lead to Facebook.  And then, before you know it, you have to go into work, or head to class, or have another dinner with your family or something like that.  And before you know it, the inertia has built up, and any outside force besides the need for pizza fails to act.

And, as Newton said, any object in motion (or at rest) will remain so unless acted upon by an outside force.  Einstein, for all his work and his understanding of the mechanics of the universe, never had to deal with the outside force of Pizza Hut.

Don't worry, our best scientists are all over it.  Once they get done eating at KFC, of course.