More Manswers

Had one last holiday party to go to the other night.  I think I can safely say I speak for a lot of people this Christmas when I say it's been a busy holiday season.  Unfortunately, I didn't do a whole lot of holiday shopping for Mom and Dad; in fact, neither of my dads got anything from me this year.  (Though that's to be expected, considering Mom is probably about to break it off with the new dad, and the other dad...well, I have no clue what happened to him.)

My ex was talking about getting together with a buddy of mine.  (As well as myself.  And some other friends.  I think it was supposed to be a group thing.)  As far as I know, that never really happened, considering the ice and the snow and the fact that most of us don't really have good cars anymore.  (I tried to start mine the other day, took a couple of tries.)  Plus I never really heard from them, so I'm guessing they just called it off.

Since Christmas has finally come and gone, though, I've had some time to myself the past couple of days.  Which I spent watching Spike TV.  They were showing a "Star Wars" marathon, which I normally shy away from, but it was either that, "Miracle on 34th Street," or the umpteenth showing of "Scrooged" on AMC.  So I decided to go with Star Wars.  And then changed the channel the moment they decided to show another episode of CSI.  Because even my standards only go so low.

Of course, the buddy I saw the other night, who is not ashamed to admit he liked "Cop Out," also isn't too shy about watching Star Wars either.  Luckily, we were having a Christmas get-together with some other friends, so it wasn't like I had to sit through twelve hours of Star Wars without food or friends.  And luckily, they were showing the original trilogy, from that magical time before Lucas and the geeks he has spawned over the years went completely insane and gave us a Darth Vader not played by James Earl Jones.

About a couple hours into our get-together, he had recorded a couple episodes of Spike's "original" series.  So, over the next hour or so, we were re-acquainted with "1000 Ways to Die," which is cheap and laden with relentless blood, gore, and fanservice, but is also one of my guilty pleasures.

It turns out he had also recorded an episode of "Manswers," which I had heard about, oddly enough, from a girl I used to go to school with.  Oddly enough, I have never gone out with said girl, who I can only assume is out driving monster trucks when she isn't starting bar fights or fixing roofs.

It turns out "Manswers" is even cheaper than "1000 Ways to Die," and more laden with fanservice.  And willing to ask the question, "Can you have sex while skydiving?"  I don't know who on earth would need to know that, or who on earth actually has sex when skydiving, and disappointingly enough, they never bothered to elaborate on the implications of that airborne anthrax and whether or not it can affect us mere ground-dwellers.  (Spoiler:  If you're going to do it, you have to make it really quick, and you have to stop by 2,000 feet.)

They were also willing to ask the question, "What is the most viscous substance?"  Again, I'm not sure who would need to know that, beyond the half-naked women they had wrestling in mud, then lubricant, then in coal tar (which is apparently toxic upon prolonged exposure, which made me feel all the worse for wanting to start a coal-tar-wrestling tournament/wet T-shirt contest...).

There's some joke I could probably crack about coal in our stockings, but all I could think about for the next hour or so was, "God, that was hot."

More For Our Heroes

Well, word on the grape vine is that the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act, meant to provide health benefits to 9/11 rescuers, has finally been passed--and with unanimous support, no less!

"The Christmas miracle we've been looking for has arrived.  We [the Democratic Senators who released this message] thank our Republican friends for coming together to fulfill America's moral obligation to the heroes of 9/11."  I'm assuming this message was enclosed with a Post-It adding, "Better late than never."

This comes nearly a week after four 9/11 workers appeared on Jon Stewart to remind us that, hey, firemen and policemen and the guy with throat cancer are human beings too and dearly need our help, and Republicans would do well to remember that the next time they pull a political stunt like trying to push the Bush tax cuts.

Some bad news to go with it?  The current Senate rangling has reduced the bill from its original allotment of over $7 billion to just $4.3 billion (assuming the word "just" belongs anywhere near a billion-plus-dollar plan).  Assuming we're working with, say, maybe 3,000 or 4,000 9/11 workers (an estimate based on my flat-out guessing), and after making some deductions from the stated amount of the bill for establishing some form of logistics and hiring employees to put the bill into action, this still gives each individual worker hundreds of thousands, if not at least a million, in free coverage.  The new version of the bill, with some amendments, has been sent back for House approval, and President Obama has given his assurance that he intends to sign it.

Along with the sweet taste of victory, and the revelry of this Christmas miracle on the part of thousands of rescuers and their friends and families, comes a sort of bitter aftertaste at the thought that there was any sort of "fight" to get this bill passed.  This time, of course, it was passed with a unanimous Senate vote, but they still had to cut the bill's original proposed budget in nearly half (because when someone risks their lives for others, you can't put a price on screwing them over), and the utter disgust with Senate Republicans and their stalling tactics should go without saying.

The concerns of the Obama administration, as well as those of us who, you know, haven't sold our souls to Dick Cheney yet, become much more apparent once you realize that these monst...er, "Republicans"...are going to be overrunning Congress come January.  I'll be honest when I tell you I didn't vote during the midterm elections (somebody has to clean those tables at Applebee's!), but it's hard to believe the liberal media's hype about the GOP being irredeemably evil until they pull a douchebag move such as their "Give Us Tax Breaks Or We'll Kill Your Precious Heroes" gambit, which has been enough to prove to me that there is some level of class warfare, and if we don't fight it, we die.  We literally die.  Or, at least, somebody somewhere dies.

The concern for 9/11 workers has been just one part of Obama's agenda during this lame-duck session.  The New Start Treaty has been approved by Congress, and as far as international peace treaties with allies and former enemies goes, I don't love it, but I don't hate it either.  It sounds like a good idea on paper, but we'll see what happens when it's implemented.

More good news for our nation's heroes:  Our good friend and patriot, Staff Sergeant Salvatore Giunta, has been cordially invited to join Mayor Bloomberg at the New Year's celebration this year.  He will join the mayor in pressing the button that lowers the New Year's ball at Times Square at 11:59:00 (or 23:59:00, for those of us on military time).

Oh, and he is also a fan of Da Bears.

More COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There's something genuinely disturbing about this video, but I can't put my finger on it.

Más, Hasta Muerte Háganos Parte

Now, the important thing is not to ask me how exactly I stumbled on this video.  Because that probably goes without saying. 

Note their subtle use of the "boing" sound effect.  As well as a variety of other sound effects that are really out of place.



This, by the way, is the episode where Wonder Woman goes into sportscasting, and ends up having to deal with a deranged stalker.  Also, it was the moment Fox News realized their calling.

Note:  The opinions represented above do not represent those of Fox News or its affilia...wow, that costume really flatters her.  Or the other way around, perhaps.

More Pizza

You've all met my very good friend...well, I guess you haven't, although I have discussed him at length before.  The same one who enjoys video games, caffeine, and fireworks.

Well, it turns out we both enjoy getting out of town every once in a while.  Whether it's for school, business, or just the inevitable social call from some old friends, we just feel like making a road trip every once in a while.  And invariably, our stomachs will start growling, because we're growing boys and we need to eat at some point.

I'm broke and all, but broke in the "I can't afford to pick up chicks or maintain any semblance of a long-term relationship" sense, rather than in terms of "living under the bridge in a van down by the river."  So when push comes to shove, we'll get hungry, and one of us will suggest Pizza Hut.  And the other will concede that Pizza Hut sounds pretty good.  Probably not good for us, but it's been a long day and we both just start thinking of the first thing that sounds good.

Now there are probably alternatives available, even if all we're looking for is some good pizza for dinner.  Domino's, Godfather's, Papa John's (well, that assumes you have a freezer, I think), Papa Murphy's, Papa Smurf's, Papa Charlie's, Papa Roach, Papa Penguin, Papa Don't Preach, Papa Can You Hear Me, Papa Grows Funk, and the illustrious Pa Kent...all of them serve good old American pizza.  (Except DiGiorno's, of course.  I think they're French.)

Inevitably, though, we choose Pizza Hut.  And all joking aside, their breadsticks have a lot to do with that.  I mean, Domino's breadsticks?  Don't even get me started on those flaccid, undersized excuses for a meal.  And does Godfather's even sell breadsticks?

Unfortunately, our trips out to Pizza Hut just go to show the two great banes of American consumerism:  one, it costs money to eat out like that, and second, the pounds just start adding up after a while.  We wonder why there's an economic crisis and an obesity epidemic in this country, when the answer is right in front of us.  It's the blind, unadulterated purchasing and consumption of the grease-fueled Kryptonite of pizza and breadsticks.

How do you say no to that?  Honestly, tell me how you just say no to that.  You don't.  You just don't.  Because there's this dough, cooked to a crispy golden color, with what I can only assume is an edible (and extremely delicious) tomato sauce liberally lathered on (although the Pizza Huts I've been going to have been more stingy with the sauce lately).  And they put this nice, melted mozarella cheese on it... 

What you need to understand is that not all melted cheeses are created equal.  Only the mozarella is anywhere near edible when it's been cooked.  The rest are dead to me.  That cheese you dip your nachos and pretzels into?  No thank you, sir, get that off my coffee table (or at least the old book bag I use as a "coffee table") and get out of my Super Bowl Party.

This cheese is put on top of the pizza, as well as within the crust.  And there is much rejoicing when you can eat such a pizza.  In fact, I believe God made this some time during those first six days, just before he made man.  (Although a friend of mine postulates that man, in fact, made cheese.)

Now, the pepperoni is window dressing as far as I'm concerned, and any other toppings are simply out of the question.  So when my friend suggests pepperoni with stuffed crust, we eat and are merry.  (Not necessarily in that order.)

Now, all of these things would be just fine and dandy, but the icing on the pizza pie is cold and carbonated.  A tall glass of Pepsi, possibly Coke, maybe Mountain Dew, to wash all this hot food down.  You could get water, but what's the point.

Pizza Hut's plan is fool-proof for luring in fools like us.  McDonald's?  Don't get me started.  Arby's?  Please?  Sonic?  Yeah, we'll have a waitress on skates hand us this stuff.  Within five minutes.  Sure, that just sounds great.

There's also a third bane to the existence of these two noble college students, as well as many others like us.  Simply put, this is the damage that ten breadsticks and a large stuffed-crust pizza shared between two or three guys can wreak on their stomachs.  As Homer Simpson once said, "I can eat anything I want, only future-me has to deal with that!  I'd hate to be that guy!"

But karma is cruel, and comes back with stomach pains and a slight feeling of nausea.  Maybe more than that, if you've managed to make it past a whole large pizza without stopping.  You can still taste it some hours later, possibly a day later.  And while it tastes good going down, it definitely doesn't go down without a fight.

And once you've slept it off, you mean to get out of bed, and God forbid, perhaps go out for a walk.  But then someone calls.  Or maybe texts.  Or maybe you have to check on Facebook or something.  In fact, any of those things will lead to Facebook.  And then, before you know it, you have to go into work, or head to class, or have another dinner with your family or something like that.  And before you know it, the inertia has built up, and any outside force besides the need for pizza fails to act.

And, as Newton said, any object in motion (or at rest) will remain so unless acted upon by an outside force.  Einstein, for all his work and his understanding of the mechanics of the universe, never had to deal with the outside force of Pizza Hut.

Don't worry, our best scientists are all over it.  Once they get done eating at KFC, of course.

More Fire Bad. (Very. Very. Bad.)

Continuing my general rant against the clusterfuck that is the holiday season (as well as my recycling of titles from previous posts), I regret to admit that I didn't manage to catch the Daily Show last night--since I'm still on school time, and I was up late the night before so my ability to "wake up" was a bit compromised.

So, of course, it was just after I'd woke up this morning when I finally managed to catch his interview with four of New York's finest.

It's an eye opener, frankly, for those of us...who happen to get our news from America's number-one trusted fake newsman...to find out the plight of those 9/11 rescuers who are in need of health care.

The bill in question, formerly called the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act, would provide $7.4 billion in free aid and medical care to rescue workers who have suffered from health problems as a result of the attack on the World Trade Center.  However, following its maiden voyage from the House, it has drowned in a sea of Senate filibusters.

The filibusters, if Google magic is to be believed, have been driven by a pact between Senate Republicans, who have signed an agreement not to support any other legislation until the long-awaited issue of the Bush tax cuts has been approved.  Apparently, this includes refusing health care to 9/11 workers and rescuers.

Republican Senators have vowed to resolve the tax cut issue following the New Year, saying that it would be disrespectful to Christians and the spirit of Christmas to spend the holiday week between.  Stewart, as you might imagine, took issue with our elected representatives deciding to twiddle their thumbs while our finest Americans are left to fend for themselves with ailments such as...let's see...brain cancer, throat cancer, heart disease, lung disease, back problems, cancer of the lymph nodes (which may or may not be synonymous with throat cancer)...and this was just between the four guys who were in good enough shape to show up on the Daily Show.

Stewart also lambasted the mainstream media for not covering what, in so many words, is basically a moral travesty of the highest magnitude.  Taking matters into his own hands, and making up for the lost time of the entire press (save Al-Ja-freaking-zeera), he invited four 9/11 responders to discuss the situation with him and a nationwide audience.

There's also a sense of a disconnect between the politicians and the 9/11 workers, as evidenced by Senator Mitch McConnell giving a tear-filled speech for...this buddy of his who's retiring.  Jim Bunning, a baseball player who went on to politics, and who apparently dressed up one time.  To be fair, he sounds like a much more forceful and dynamic personality than, say, the men and women who rescued people from a hundred-story burning building.

And, as I Google John Kyl (the guy who doesn't want to go in to work during the week after Christmas), it kills me...kills me inside...that the only result I see that's remotely related to his refusal to resolve the filibuster over Christmas is...well, this.

Now I could rant and rave about this all day, but the fact of the matter is that the audience for my blog is negligible at best.  I plan on Facebooking it, and I plan on Tweeting it, and dear God I might even MySpace it, but the first thing I plan on doing is showing this video to my mom.  Because people need to know about this.  For God's sake, people need to know about it.

More of the Simple Things

First of all, is there anything more grandiose than a "war on Christmas"?  And why is there still a "war on Christmas"?

I don't know how this business of semantic nonsense (which is, by definition, an oxymoron) all started, but I honestly don't believe there is any sort of war on Christmas.  I believe there is a war on "Happy Holidays," or a war on "non-denominational fun," or a war on "Chrismahanukwanzakah."  But there is no war on Christmas.

Jon Stewart, one of my personal heroes, advocates the 95% of Americans who just want to be left alone and couldn't care less about the hype that is Christmas.  But don't take my word for it.  Just take a yuletide look at DefendChristmas.com, whose author or authors have a few choice words on the matter.

"Media warriors divide the ranks of those on two sides: those who gleefully view public Christmas observance as a right versus those who glumly view Christmas as a state-imposed endorsement of religious worship.  The buzz they create touches nearly every part of an otherwise festive season filled with light, color and music."

"There are heated arguments over the need for public funding for Christmas lights. Many nearly come to blows debating the mere use of the word “Christmas” in schools and at public events. Long-winded television commentators warn incessantly of “Christmas under attack” while politicians drone on about the separation of church and state. Retailers and their customers haggle over the use of the phrase “Merry Christmas”. Scholars debate over the pagan origins of modern Christmas celebrations while Christian “fundamentalists” denounce efforts to remove the mention of Christ from any holiday event. Every Christmas season seems to elevate the debate to a new level of absurdity."

"We believe both sides of the debate are wrong. We believe the media is woefully irresponsible in fanning the flames of controversy. We believe in the 95% Sentiment: most of us like to keep Christmas and we don’t think there are many people offended by it."

Thank you, thank you so much.  That is exactly the kind of clear, level-headed thinking...

"Have you encountered a 'Grinch' this Christmas season? Share your experiences here at GrinchAlert.com! Here, you can nominate businesses and organizations that shut-out expressions of Christmas in their interactions with the public via marketing, advertising and public relations. When companies use misplaced political correctness to halt the celebration of Christmas, they belong on the 'Naughty List.'”

Yes, believe it or not, the First Baptist Church of Dallas has actually set up a site where people can nominate local businesses for the "naughty" or "nice" list based on whether or not they honor the Christ in Christmas.  A few choice examples come to my attention as I read through the list:


--American Airlines:  "Excessive use of 'holiday', no mention of Christmas. With a name like American Airlines, come on."

Yes, of course.  Because no honest American would say "happy holidays."


Best Buy (Minneapolis):  "Best Buy is boldly using 'Christmas' rather than seasons greatings, happy holidays, etc. in their advertising this year They are referring to tech support; but their Christmas advertising slogan this year is 'Who's supporting Christmas?' "

Oh, gee, thank God their tech support guys are supporting the holiday spirit.  That just puts me at ease.

*Edit:  Yes, I realize I said "holiday spirit" instead of "Christmas spirit."  I'm not changing it.  Because Christmas is a holiday, and many people refer to it as "the holiday" without really thinking about it.  By supporting the holiday spirit, the wonderful tech support at Best Buy are also supporting the Christmas spirit.  "Holidays" and "Christmas" are not mutually exclusive.

Yeah.  I just blew your minds, didn't I?


--Target (probably everywhere):  "I was looking for an ornament that reflected the reason for the season, and I could not find anything that said Merry Christmas. I'm tired of seeing ONLY snowmen, Santa Clauses, snowflakes, birds, glitter, ect."

Yes.  That doesn't have anything at all to do with Christmas.  They ONLY had snowmen, Santa Clauses, snowflakes, birds, glitter, garland, greenery, Christmas lights, a little nutcracker...

Oh, and bonus points for misspelling "et cetera."  And generalizing for the entire chain based on what I can only assume was one Target location.


--Sears/Kmart (Grand Junction, Colorado):  "Say Happy Holidays while selling Christmas trees."

Yes.  This, of all examples, was on the "naughty list."  

They're selling Christmas trees.  They're selling.  CHRISTMAS trees!  How much more can you honor the "Christmas spirit" than that?!  That's like accusing some pastor who works at the homeless shelter of not honoring Christ just because he says "Goodbye" every night instead of "God be with you, Amen."  It's just nitpicking, and missing the point entirely.  God gives you points for helping people feel better, not for name-dropping his One and Only Son.


--Nordstrom's:  "Nordstrom's policy is to say 'Happy Holidays' and not 'Merry Christmas'."

Oh, gee, I bet that just destroys Nordstrom's customer base.  They seem like the kind of people who would get behind an issue like this.



--Macy's (Dallas, Texas):  "Employees would only respond with 'you too' instead of Merry Christmas."


Because, like many people, the good folks you see at Macy's have had a long, long day, and they are very, very tired.  Customer service only goes so far, and they can only be so sensitive to your apparently compulsive need to hear the word "Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."  Or, "You too."  Or, "Have a safe trip home."

Now, one could argue that those nasty, nasty people in our day-to-day lives who refuse to wish their fellow Americans a merry Christmas lack empathy.  This is to be expected.  Because while Christmas is fine and all, there are several problems with this.  

First of all, there are other faiths, with other holidays to celebrate, and while we may not necessarily share their beliefs or holidays or their need for eight candles for eight nights, we still have to respect those beliefs.  Which means the "persecuted minority" that is the Christian community will only get so much empathy out of us while they buy nice things for their pretty little white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant children.


The next thing to remember is that, of course, 95% of the people you run across in customer service don't really care one way or the other.  If the difference between "happy holidays" and "Merry Christmas" is a memo from corporate, of course they're going to want to keep their job.  So if you really, really, really have a problem with their salutation and their choice of holiday marketing, take it up with their manager.  Then take it up with their manager.  And just go up that chain of command, until you're haranguing the CEO of Best Buy or Target.  And chances are, they'll tell you marketing did some studies, and so you take your little war to them...


Of course, the fact of the matter is that haranguing people over the war on Christmas will only get you so far.  The holidays are a busy time of year, and we have better things to do than worry about your professed faith, political correctness or faith in your god (or gods) be damned.


You want to know what I think?  Personally, I can't stand Christmas.  Or, not necessarily Christmas per se, but simply the sheer business and materialism and needless work and carols and decorating and over-saturation of holiday specials and the ice cold weather associated with the holiday season, with more wasted money, higher suicide rates, and a statistically more significant number of icy roads than any other time of year.  Whoever wins this little "war" gets to be associated with that.  So, in honor of whoever wins, yay for you.  Ra-freaking-shish-koom-ba.


So you know what I say?  Take the Christ out of Christmas.  Why on earth would Jesus want to be associated with this clusterfuck of a holiday?  Why is the pursuit of candy canes, Christmas trees, and buying out our loved ones with nice gifts really so sacred that the name of our Lord and Savior needs to be plastered all over it?


Jesus isn't in Best Buy, or Target, or any of those stores.  Whenever you give of yourself to others, Jesus is there.  He doesn't need a holiday to do that.  And the sooner we come to understand that, the better.

More Corpse Carnage

Damn you, Tim Allen, and your love affair with cars.  I liked you better when you were building elaborate Man's [Insert Household Room Here] and grills that could sh...

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.  I'm just here at my computer, wasting time until I have to go to a Christmas party with some good friends of mine.  (Well, one of them's a good friend, the others are mostly acquaintances, one of them I kind of know from class.)

The IRL buddy of mine--the same one who reads out loud and apparently likes playing "Corpse Carnage"--recently re-introduced me to Metalocalypse.  I've only seen a few episodes, but I'd be tempted to do a Brewhaha review just from what I've seen.  (Maybe once the holidays have passed...)

For those of you who have never heard of it, a quick summary:  Metalocalypse is an Adult Swim cartoon based on Dethklok, which may or may not be based on an actual death metal band.  The premise of the show is this cartoonishly-influential death metal band gaining hordes of fans the world over, becoming rich, becoming a world power, and basically wreaking havoc and more-or-less moving the world closer to apocalypse.

No, they're not trying to start the apocalypse.  They're just idiots.  The SpongeBob Squarepants of anti-Christs, if you will.

So, while a season or two of Metalocalypse waits patiently on my Christmas list this year, I decided to do a quick journey into the depths of Google to see what I could find out about death/tech/DARKER AND EDGIER metal.

And lo and behold, I discovered some DARKER AND EDGIER bands.

The first video I came across (since YouTube audio gets past the radar a lot easier than any full-fledged videos, and is much easier to get a hold of and play anyway) was a fan retrospective on the "technicals" of death metal.  Seems like a good jumping off point to get into the intimidating world of death metal.

I also, as always, consulted the all-knowing Google on death metal, and soon came across Cannibal Corpse, a death metal band that was apparently formed at the turn of the 80's/90's.  Going from there, I journeyed on to YouTube to see what I could find, and managed to dreg up one or two or twenty videos of theirs.  Yes, apparently this band has done more than one video.  Or, for that matter, more than no videos at all...

Whenever I go into YouTube, I get an ad from Tim Allen promising us a car that "can plug into any socket."  Of course, I tune these ads out, but based on good old Tim Taylor's voice-over, they're trying to sell us a car that, while not extremely picky when it comes to matters of where it gets its juice from, is still emphatically the man's THE MAN'S CAR!

As you watch this three-minute symphony of metal, though, note the various touches of these seasoned, veteran musicians, including the clockwise positioning of their guitars, as well as their extremely well-choreographed head-banging, and the Victorian-esque vocals as the long-haired metal connoisseur with the mic deftly reminds us of the DEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHHH WAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-chorus.

Not to mention being able to inject a level of pathos into what is apparently the beginnings of a zombie apocalypse.

I've also come across a band called Brain Drill numerous times, which I don't really feel like linking to right now, since I've got to leave five minutes ago.  But before I leave you, I will give you a band called Fleshgod Apocalypse.



Spoiler:  That piano doesn't last very long.

More Accentuating the Negative

For those of you who have dealt with difficult college professors, you might not be surprised that I'm revisiting this topic.  For those of you who have dealt with needlessly difficult college professors, let me just say, I envy you.  I envy you so much.

Luckily, most liberal arts schools tend to frown on a professor deducting points from a student's assignment for expressing a point which the former may disagree with.  Plus, my commentary on the status of Sony was an informed decision on my part, and so informed by a lengthy and exhaustive period of research on the company.  So, in this instance, in this particular Level 1 course, it would have been ill-advised for him to deduct points for that.

But he finds a way.  He always finds a way.

Based on your familiarity with Sony products, what business strategy do you recommend that Stringer employ to help Sony accelerate its business progress?

This was my answer:

While Sony has had considerable success with TV's, VCR's, and other entertainment devices, they have also had difficulty staying ahead of the competition, failing to capitalize on the market for portable devices.  With their market dominated by competitors, Sony simply needs to move away from their "traditional" products and more toward innovative, cutting-edge electronics.

Not a bad answer.  Perhaps some over-generalizations, but then again I'm not "familiar" with Sony products, and anyway this was one of several essay questions, and one of five classes I had to worry about anyway.

This was my professor's response:

While Sony has had considerable success with TV's, VCR's, and other entertainment devices, they it have also had difficulty staying ahead of the competition, failing to capitalize on the market for portable devices.  With their its market dominated by competitors, Sony simply needs to move away from their its "traditional" products and more toward innovative, cutting-edge electronics.

Why?  Why on Earth was that necessary?

Exactly what is the proper pronoun for a corporate entity?  And how was I supposed to know that the good folks in charge of Sony should be addressed as "it" instead of "they"?

How is it that I can Google endlessly and yet not find one instance of a corporation being referred to by anything other than its proper title?  No "its," "theirs," "theys," "he's," "she's," nothing!  What precedent is there for something like this?

I understand that a corporation is an entity distinct and separate from its owners.  But what about hives?  What about armies?  What about families?  Aren't these entities made up of people as well?  And don't we refer to a hive of bees as "they"?  Don't we call an army ten thousand strong "they"?  Isn't a family of five "they"?

So, Professor, what exactly is the difference between the deadbeat dad, the stay-at-home mom, and their octuplets being referred to as "they", and the corporation of hundreds, possibly thousands, if not tens of thousand, being referred to as "they"?  If it is made up of a large number of people acting to accomplish a specific goal, shouldn't they be called..."they"?  What part of my logic is off, and what part of your logic makes sense at all?

Even if we go strictly by the term "group," isn't that group made up of at least several people, and don't we refer to this group of people as "they"?  They, they, they, THEY?

So, what may I ask is the difference between calling any old group "they" and calling a corporation "they"?

Note:  They, they, they, they they theydhtey they ehty tehyt theyt theyt thety tghey theyt theyt theytheythtey THEYTHEYTHETYTHEYTHETY THEYTHEYTHEYTHEY!

More Cannon Fodder

If al-Qaeda or any other terrorist sumbsobitches are watching this, keep one thing in mind...

This is what two of our knuckleheads will do to your weapons.  We will fire them off.  Prematurely.

(Don't worry, he's just fine.  He sings in a choir now.  Soprano, I believe...)